Hello!

My name is *****, im 19 years old and from ******.

Ive got to this point where I dont really know whats wrong with me. I dont feel alone even thought I

have noone to talk to really. I can start from the begining really, to make you see a little pice of me so

you maybe could understand a little better.

It all started when i was 9 years old i think. i dont quite remember but i do recall that when i was 8, that

was the best year of my life. I remember the inner joy i had for not caring about anything, i was so young 

and all i could think of was to have fun simply! but when i turned 9, i feelt sad, lonely and quite cold in some way.

I really couldent connect with the other kids. I werent funny enough to hang with, nor intresting. It was really

my own fault for that when i think back. ive could have offerd myself better i bealive, insted of locking them out.

i still do that! telling myself i am all alone and have no friends even if there are people trying to be. i just lock them out!

i dont really know why i do it, maybe becuse i feel safer with myself. ive never really liked to be surrounded by other 

people. especally people i know! but in my young age, i tried to seek out new friends, new people. but ive ended up

locking them out! since i could remember, i blame it on them for not beeing my friend in need, but hell! its all me really.

this is the point im getting to. ive discoverd last year that its all me. all my fault for being so immature and lock people out.

i keep saying that i am on medication and goes to a therapist reguarly, but that is not the truth! ive been to quite many therapist

but it really dosent feel that it helps me. and i dont go on medications becuse the way i felt wasent enough for me to go on it.

i really do wish that there were something wrong with me. so there would be a reson why im feeling like this. but the truth is, i no longer

know why i am like this. some claim its the atumm time of the year and everyone gets feelings like this. others think its becuse i am still

a teenager and others that blaims my parents taht raised me for being who i am.

in truth i dont really care about my family. my mother loves my brother more, and when we try to talk to eachother, we dont really connect!

and ive allways hated my father for being such a 5 year old. i have no respect for my parents really. my brother has his own life whene i dont

really belong. 

i cant claim that i hate school eaither. when i start to work i do a descent job. but i dont feel safe in school. mostly becuse me and an other

classmate have been arguing about a simple missunderstanding. i can admit that they way i acted/acting was/are immature. both from my side 

and hers. it was a child fight more or less. but the thing taht makes me so angry! the thing that makes me even more sad, is that she has a wall 

of people and friends taking her side and claims that its so sorry for her. they dont even know my side of the story and demands me to apologize 

to her becuse she feels so bad… how dare she!

i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me! tehre is no reson to feel sorry for me! becuse i know that everything i do i wrong! but i cant really chnage myself!

and i cant eaither claim that ive tried to change myself. i really dont do anything, i just sit down and stare att the mirror. seeing my face, my body, my eyes.

i hate myself, i wish for my death! becuse i cant take more of myself, i cant take more misstakes from myself. i cant make anyone happy just being me..

and its all my fault.. and i dont do anything about it! im just sitting down and make misstake after misstake! i cant handel it anymore!

when i hear people claim that they are my friend and that they are there for me. i just think "what the hell? what is your reson to be at my side? i am the one 

that makes me feel bad, what possible could you do?" i dont really know why i keep thinkin that. i dont really know anything.

i dont feel that i need to talk to someone, but i think that i still could try and see if maybe someday it would help. 

i just want to feel like i did when i was 8 years old. joyfull, happy with things as they where and dont care on other people.

i dont really know how this would help me, i guess its just me still trying not to be to lazy or perhaps that i need to figure out whats wrong with me at this moment.

im just not enough

pardon for my gammatical and spelling disorder, im not so used to english as i should be.

Thank you!